No situation is the same. Circumstances are different, but the feelings all too similar. I never read a grief book, never went to a group therapy session. I didn’t want to. I wanted my pain. I wanted it for myself. No one understood exactly what I was feeling, or so I thought. Why was this happening to me? This stuff only happens to other people, right? Wrong. I was living in a nightmare I was never going to wake up from. My life was ripped violently out of my hands and I was expected to cope, to survive, to find a way to live again without everything turned upside down. I was shoved down beneath the depths of hell, deeper than rock bottom and was expected to climb out. Somehow I did. I need to share my story. My mission is now to help people in their suffering, it has to be. If I make a difference in only one person’s life, I have honored my son and have not let my suffering and pain go to waste. This is my story….

JUNE 15, 2004

Nearly twelve years ago I lost my 4 1/2 year old son, Kaleb, in a tragic accident. He drowned at a water park. On a beautiful sunny day, filled with laughter, friends and love. June 15, 2004 was the greatest day I ever had with my free spirited, fun loving, energetic son which ended up being the worst day of my life.

No matter how much time passes, or how many reasons I have found to have lost my Kaleb, it will never be fair. Although some of the why’s have been answered, I still don’t understand. To make a person suffer like I have…who could do that to another? There has to be a reason, or two, or three, or more. Something bigger, something beyond comprehension. There HAS to be! Right? I have to admit, sometimes, I don’t care. I want to be selfish and have my child back in my arms…still, to this day. That feeling does not ever go away.

Nights and mornings were the hardest. I didn’t want to go to bed, because that meant I wasn’t in a dream. Because I would dream of him. I wouldn’t want to wake up, because he wasn’t there asking me to tie a towel around his neck so he could be Superman. One morning I thought I heard him…it was just the dog…like the knife in my heart was twisted. But, none the less, every morning I would wake up. I would make my bed and go and brush my teeth. I knew if I could accomplish that, I could possibly go upstairs and have breakfast.

Self- destructing and self- medicating became the best part of my day. I am not going to elaborate on my behaviors right now, just know I did it to try and escape. I created my own little world where I felt closer to Kaleb, perhaps closer to death. One thing was for sure, I was away from my reality. That did not last very long though. Three months later I was on a plane to South Africa to go help my friend save her daughter who had been thrown out of the back of a truck and had a concussion. This is where my real healing began. (I will go into more details about this experience at a later date.)

I have experienced emotions I didn’t even know existed, that I pray to God, I will never have to experience again. I invented emotions such as “ice pick anger.” (Need I explain?) I have been up and down and inside and out, and even though I now have things to be grateful for, and I now know true happiness because I’ve experienced complete and utter despair, it still will never be fair.

But life is not about being fair. It is about healing. This blog is about my healing. My journey. I am going to be raw. I am going to speak from my heart. It is not all sunshine and rainbows. It is about how I built my wings and somehow am managing to fly through the rainy days. My story is being told to help others heal. In hopes they don’t have to struggle to find a way like I did. I am here to help, when you’re ready.


One thought on “I AM HERE, WHEN YOU’RE READY

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