I am a warrior. I know I am one because I have been beaten down in life’s boot camp until I could barely breathe. Then I chose to put myself through training so intense and hardcore that most people could never imagine. I still cry, I still hurt, but I do not stop. I continue on knowing this fight is worth each and every battle scar and I will not quit, I will conquer.
My words. My thoughts. My feelings. I was inspired to write this because of my friend’s post, in the middle of one of the hardest weekends I have faced with my children, particularly my son, in months. I’ll tell you what, it is NOT easy being single and I was faced with my reality full force since Friday night.
However, now that it is the end of the weekend, the kids are asleep and I get a chance to reflect, I realize how amazing this “training camp” was for me. I cried, I yelled and I swore. I felt like I was losing my mind, yet I was self-aware enough to realize this was my opportunity to tap into my tools and resources. I have spent a lot of my time building my tribe, and that is exactly who I turned to for moral support as I faced this mission head on, alone.
So, what happens when I have a weekend like this one. It was an intense and overwhelming weekend with myself and with my children. I knew that I was being challenged on all things in my life. Things were coming up for me and reminding me to look deep within my soul. I fully embraced that the only hero I needed was me…and I began to dig deep. I used the tools that I have worked so hard to integrate into my being.
I knew I needed to be careful to not beat myself up because that is what happens and I end up becoming imprisoned and tortured. That being said, it is still very hard for me to avoid. I go straight to the, “I’m a bad mom,” and “Maybe I made a mistake on up rooting my kids, selling my house and moving into this apartment., ” “I am not enough,” “I will never find happiness.” The list goes on. When I found myself saying these things, I would let myself feel it, cry at times, and take a breath. This would give me the opportunity to really ask myself if I really felt this way. The answer? NO! Stop it! I am a great mom. I made the decisions I made to change my life around to better us all. I am doing everything I can. Happiness is a choice. I made sure I journal about my feelings, I took time to meditate in an Epsom salt and lavender bath, I did yoga, put forth actions to be organized in my home and set up better routines for my kids, cleaned my house, helped my mom surprise her friend for her retirement by using my creative talents and skills to make a cake, and had several conversations with my closest friends to help get me through. I make myself seem so well put together, don’t I?!
None of this was easy. But I have learned that actions are what we need to do in order to move forward in our lives. We can talk all we want to about the things that we wish we could do and have, but it is the warrior inside that must come out and understand that it is the practice of the actions that create who we are. This is what I love most about life. I am so thankful that I have found that through, kindness, compassion, self love, service, creativity, and communication, I found that warrior spirit within myself. I was able to push myself enough to dive in and embrace the chaos life throws at me.
I am so honored that I have created my tribe who are my cheerleaders, advisers, coaches, sisters and friends that are willing to listen and support me through these challenging times. I am grateful that my children has a father who, even though he is not in this state, he is still extremely supportive and is the best co-parent I could ask for. Most importantly, I am indebted for the woman and hero I am becoming to and for myself. I understand that I will always have bullets to dodge and battles to fight and am beyond grateful that I have discovered the warrior inside of myself who is not willing to lay down and let life take me prisoner. It is my life and I will fight for it until the end.