On the anniversary of a loved one’s passing, you never know what triggers might come up, what sadness or heartache will arise. This is year twelve for me. I feel as if I am enveloped in clouds. I am heavy. My heart hurts. The aching that occurs in my uterus lets me know I am still strongly connected to my son. Sometimes I have these symptoms a week before, sometimes the day of, and sometimes the week after. I am never really sure when it will hit.
The sorrow that occurs when losing a child, is unexplainable. It is the deepest pain a human will ever feel. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him, that I don’t miss him. Time definitely has healed the wounds. I don’t feel hollow and empty anymore, I actually feel full of gratitude for the experience I have gone through, because it has allowed me to know what it is like to suffer. To be dropped in the deepest, darkest, loneliest holes imaginable. I had to figure out how to crawl out. I thank God, and my angels both in heaven and on Earth for helping me climb out one slippery rock at a time. I made it to the top.
I had someone ask me once what happens if you climb out of that hole only to find yourself standing on the edge of a cliff…I replied, “You find a way to fly!” That’s what I’ve been doing. Because I can guarantee that once I reached the top of the hole, I didn’t feel the sunshine on my face. I didn’t feel free even though I was without the confines of the walls. I heard the winds howling, felt their push up against me trying to throw me back in. I heard the thunder. I saw the threatening waves beating up against the rocks miles below me. I was standing on that cliff. Looking down and when I looked up, the rain stung my eyes. My journey was not over. I knew the only way to get off this cliff was to find a way to fly. So, I picked up the pieces, and started to build my wings.
On this anniversary, even though I still have the muscle memory symptoms of pain, I know I have built my wings. They are ready for me to fly. And the memory of Kaleb, and the love and support of my friends, family and healers are now the wind I was looking for to take off. It is possible to heal. It is possible to fly.